I love writing. Whether its a joke, a complex story, or a intimate poem - writing frees my soul from the shackles of the physical world.

When I was in high-school I hated writing. I have one vivid memory of failing a paper and nearly flunking high-school on-level English due to my inability to “stay on topic”. I even remember one of my friends casually proclaiming that due to my disgust for forced writing I would ironically end up being a writer of some kind. Then, I found comedy.

Initially, I went to college to study advertising - I wanted to write funny commercials for beer companies like Budweiser. But as graduation approached, I realized I didn’t want to write funny ads - I just wanted to be funny. After a brief sting in LA, I changed majors to Theater and learned the art of storytelling.

I have written feature-length screenplays, poetry, and music. I submitted jokes as a freelancer to Weekend Update for two seasons. I wrote for Dodge RAM’s 2019 Super Bowl ads, on the parody commercial “Dog Lawyer”, and made two albums of music so far. I’m currently writing a novel.

Here is a collection of my best poem and joke selections:

THE POWER OF WORDS

The Power of Words,
Between Israelis and Kurds,
The ones that get heard
Shape the world as it turns.

The silence, it burns.
[...]
Anticipation fertilizes joy,
An appetite to be curbed.

The Stories i've learned,
The Lessons I've yearned,
Bubble inside of me
Like a can of Sprite and I BURST!

Why do the innocent get hurt?!
Why do human beings feel the need for labels, and terms?
If there's a God, then why do I see church,
hating, segregating and dividing my Earth?!

The Earth provides.
Thanks to the Earth, we thrive.
Take a deep look into our Mother's eyes,
A perspective can change minds,
You’re watching ice caps melt - I’m watching Mother Earth cry.

It's our planet, damn it!
All we're doing is polluting - Party hard, and then aluminum-can-it.
And everytime I watch the news I can't understand it:
Tens of thousands people dead, Is this how we planned it??

So,
Let's take one second
To celebrate it:
The life that we live,
Not the ones we hath take-eth.

And who's gonna tell the next generation?

Which truths will be buried,
and which One
will be sacred?

Words and thoughts of Mine that happen to rhyme,
I observe the subtle paradoxes Of our Time.

FIRST LOVE

For how long must I be patient,
and flirt with ones both lewd and coy?
I'm stricken by anticipation:
The fertilizer for life's greatest joy.

Rare and timid, love is elusive.
I whisper your name, and then you flee.
I desire affection that is exclusive;
to be to you, as you are to me.

Sometimes, love is like a necklace:
Donned as display; a pretentious show-of-hand.
Vacuous words are hollow shells, reckless;
Strewn together by a rope of sand.

Contrary, I fathom of spirits combined.
Abstract; such is love that is truly immense.
An identity to complete my soul, and challenge my mind,
to know not where I conclude, and you commence..

I ache to share a tender time where,
not time, but you and I exist.
Fatigued, still yet convinced I am -
Fate is a finite braid already begun to twist.

True love speaks to those who listen,
the only language, universal.
To be love-lost is to have paid admission.
Thus, I return to my rehearsal.

OF NATURE

Step by step my hooves a-quest across the earth, robust! Songs of Liberation seem to echo from my dust!
Agile leaves dance in the trees; Wind becomes the music.
Observe the rose and as it poses, begging you to choose it.

The stones awry lay riverside; decapitated souls.
Broken from what was complete, back when the Earth was whole.
Sunwarmth beams on fluid streams; another world, aquatic.
Inquiry: "What lies beneath?," breeding fires in my attic.

Upon the shore, my eyes adore an esoteric twilight. Sprinkles in the canopy bestow my soul delight.
And so waves crash, and then wash back - a humble, snoring sea.
Feel the ancient lungs expand,
Feel the Planet breathe.

WORD OF GOD

Try to tell me the Word of God
I’ll tell you God is not a Word.
You say you swear you heard the calling,
I say, “I too can hear the birds.”

SNL: WEEKEND UPDATE

BEST SUBMISSIONS, SEASON 41

Police in California arrested nearly 500 people at two electronic music festivals as part of a drug crackdown. While they were doing that, nearly 1,000 people hopped the fence to get in. Note: ‘Crackdown’ sounds like a really awesome music festival to do some drugs at.

CBS has announced plans to launch a new Star Trek series in 2017 that will be available exclusively on their online subscription service … where no one who watched the original Star-Trek will ever be able to find it. So, when your dads ask how to find the new episodes of Star Trek, tell them “Look into the deep recesses of space," and “Some people wonder if that’s where the show was the whole time.”

Both Uber and Lyft have announced that they will suspend service in Austin, Texas after voters backed a measure that requires fingerprint background checks for their drivers. Now, Texans will be forced to use “roundabout UBER” - where you use the right to open carry an unregistered gun to hijack a car to take you where you’re going.

In a rare address to North Korea’s ruling party Congress, Kim Jong Un vowed to not use nuclear weapons unless one of their enemies uses them first … which proves that N. Korea’s nuclear program is a facade, because that’s not how nuclear explosions work.

According to a new poll 54 percent of Americans prefer lice to Donald Trump. 100 percent of americans think it would be funny if Donald Trump had lice.

UFO enthusiasts have declared that Hillary Clinton is the first “ET candidate” after she pledged to release government files on UFOs and Area 51. Now we know what all those secret emails were about!

A 15 year-old Canadian boy has used satellite images and star charts to uncover what is believed to be one of the largest Mayan settlements ever. Meanwhile, a 15-yr old American boy farted on a girl he liked.

A Virginia woman celebrated her 100th birthday by installing a stripper pole in her house. Instead of using the pole, she will spend all day calling it Thomas and asking if it wants pie.

A town in Texas has created a controversy with a plan to spend more than 60 million dollars on a high school football stadium, which would make it the most expensive in the county. I’m from Texas, that’s nothin’.. You should see what they spend to stop abortions!

A new dating website has launched called Maple Match, which connects Canadians with Americans who want to leave the country if Donald Trump becomes President. Expected to launch if Bernie Sanders becomes president: ‘Luby’s Lookout’ - it allows you see when someone else at LUBY’s is single - so, always.

Officials in Michigan are investigating a claim that members of a local high school lacrosse team sacrificed a gerbil before agame and smeared its blood on their faces. That story again: High Schooler kids turned Lacrosse into The Cross!

An Indian couple, who are both in their 70s, celebrated the birth of their first child. They're both excited to watch their son grow up and change their diapers.

The Chinese government announced that it will punish anyone caught spraying graffiti on Mount Everest. Sure, you can climb on, defecate, urinate, even DIE on there.. but God forbid you paint!

An official in the Netherlands now says that his country has put more than a dozen children on their terror watch list. Looks like Santa has got some interesting choices to make this christmas.

After Ted Cruz announced that he was dropping out of the Republican Primary race, Donald Trump praised the decision and said Cruz was “one hell of a competitor” and a “tough, smart guy.” Ted Cruz replied by saying he may be “tough” and “smart”, but is not actually a “guy”, and then unzipped his skin-suit ala Men In Black and pledged allegiance to mucus.

Google announced that it would be teaming up with Fiat Chrysler to produce their self-driving cars. Adding, “The cars will be called “Sexcar” or “Bangbus” if that’s not already taken.”